I stood on stage looking out at the audience. There was a great sense of respect for the music my group was creating and the response felt invigorating. After the show that night I felt like I had reached a new stage in my musical career only to be hit with the reality the next night. Instead of receiving the attentive energetic response from the previous night our performance was met with, "Can you turn down a bit?" Ironically, we were trying to hear ourselves over all the people yelling. It's not like we were a rock band, just a drumless jazz trio. When I started packing up to leave I really began questioning whether or not to continue trying to accomplish a goal my younger self set, To Communicate With As Many People As Possible With/Through My Music.
This is not the first time I questioned this path I had chosen. In fact, about a year prior I had really begun to consider why I should continue. I was performing on a regular basis and had a consistent teaching schedule (just begun as an adjunct on top of private lessons). However, I couldn't see how I would ever push further ahead in my career. I kept thinking what kind of role model am I becoming for my son, Sure, you could say that I'm an example of persistence, patience, and breaking past the limitations that many put on a musician. But Is This Sustainable? The dominating thought, it's time to back out of this a move on.
This idea of giving up is not limited to the connection of a lack of being recognized or respected. When you consider the most basic concepts then you start to make the bigger connection of how the feeling of giving up takes over. Here's one, trying to take on too many topics. GUITLY! How about comparing yourself to others, even though that make no sense. Especially when you've made it beyond your 20's and realize that to compare your progress to another eliminates the most important aspect, You Are Not The Other Person! Some of us are married, have kids, working multiple jobs, have parents in ill health, or have ill health ourselves. Others are single, maybe just finishing school, still living at home. Our life experiences completely change our path, so stop comparing yourself to others!
Another aspect to consider, The Process Is The Thing! It's great to have goals, but understand it's the process the gives us the momentum. I can't tell you how many times I pushed to perform in a new venue, or to be able to make appearances on TV and radio just to ask, "What's Next?" We have to continue pushing ahead and be content in know that we are where we should be at this moment. Dive into the process, the deep work state of mind. Make yourself the best version of yourself. That's all you can do!
With all that has been said so far, we must not forget that some of us may have a predisposition to a depressive state of mind or may even suffer from depression, bipolar, etc. Pursuing a career that doesn't easily yield results can feel like a nightmare. We push to perfect our craft and to create music to be enjoyed. Some may see the results quickly while others may not ever feel a sense of fulfillment. The effects of this can, and may be detrimental.
Do I still think about quitting? Sure. Some may say that I should get out now, that this isn't normal.
My response?
Although I have considered other options, I continue to think back to the 15yr old me. That year was tough. I had lost two very influential family members and began questioning many things. The one thing that remained a beacon of light was music and playing the guitar. I'm not sure where I would be if it wasn't for music.
